I am sitting in a coffee shop, my forever favorite place where I can concentrate and relax.
At the corner, there were 2 ergonomic chairs, a round table with workable optimum height , and a plug socket provided on the floor.
Here, I know…I could grab some ideas in the air and turn it into something.
In fact, I am a good reader, listener, and follower.
I could imagine along the leading story and understand deeply of what or why something happened.
Then, I conclude in short words, finding the solution in simple way but straight forward.
If I could help someone out at that moment, I would not hesitate to do it.
I once asked myself the why and what..on my purpose of life.
I confused myself with the way of living and curious when others took my empathetic for grants.
And finally I ended up with the question that sounds ridiculous but real; “What About Me?”
This is a harsh question ever….the effect from the question was unseen but forming the huge iceberg underneath my consciousness.
When the what about me question came up, the sense of give and get then occurred in sudden.
It was quite unpleasant when we try to think back how much effort we did for others and how much we got back in return.
For me, it is the result of the lack of self understanding that become the fast track of self-attachment growth.
The crush feeling happened inside and outside me,
plus the mixture of self-defense mechanism and self-acceptance.
It showed me the sign of a difficulty of living even in the smoothest day.
I was struggle in the middle between the work for others or myself.
It kept me away from the spontaneous flow during the day, and spin my head during the night.
It was so exhausted after all.
A week was like a month, after the curiosity has been repeatedly soaked enough, the iceberg started melting.
I slowly discovered how self-reliance appears to be an answer.
What tricked prior question was my own desire that need to be fulfilled by others
and my expectation topped up with my great effort to solve this issue.
I had no exit door from “MY” own trap, an only light that helped me out was
the great determination of letting “My and Me” go instead of keeping it and hurt myself again and again.
To put it in simple way,
this situation is just a flipping coin of empathetic characteristic.
When I put myself in other shoes too much, I feel them and I shared their heaviness.
I did not help them by releasing those, but taking over their problem and gave a hand to solve it instead.
It looked great at first glance, but not in a long term.
It actually damage their and my self-reliance,
they started to rely on me and I was stuck by the same end of the rope with them.
I did not help them but created the new form of attachment…..which swung back and tightened me up.
Getting back to the matter of what about me after I let them all go,
I had nothing left in me neither what should I give nor receive for myself,
no more pain, no more question, no more self-doubt, no more things to lift.
There was only a lesson that showed me how to teach people “how to fish, but not giving a fish”.
With many circumstance that still spinning up and down,
it is important to be able to let all go .. if you know the way to enter, you need to know the way to exit.
By that time,
you would meet the intuition of happiness inside you
without” Me” or “My” issue, which truly become a reward for only you!
Olive & The Twoth